Hello, my name is Chet, though many people like to call me the “Mystery Monkey”. You may have seen a recent NY Times article about me and a few of my cousins in the Tampa area. While I enjoyed the article, reading it over the shoulder of an elderly gentleman waiting to play golf at Rocky Point, I think it really missed the point of why I was in Tampa.
My people have been in the Florida area for the last 80 years, and we’ve seen a huge influx of conservatives that have reshaped our state’s politics. I was born just after Bill Clinton was elected, and witnessed first hand the debacle of the 2000 election. Katherine Harris was forced to halt the recounts after I urinated on some of the ballots. Of course, the Democrats made it a political to-do, a Republican Secretary of State rigging the election for George W. Bush, but she was simply looking out for the volunteers. Nobody wants Herpes B.
You’re probably saying, “Chet, you’re just another Republican monkey! Rehashing talking points ad nauseum!” I like to consider myself “unaffiliated” with any party, and if I could vote, I would definitely be independent. However, I can’t thanks to the Draconian Florida voter-registration rules.
What are my politics you ask? Well, I do believe in gay rights. When I was growing up, I fondly remember playing with the penises of the other members of the group, without anyone in the troop judging us. I don’t remember Satchmo (the troop alpha) ever saying, “I don’t know if kids being gay is right for our troop!” He knew that the likelihood of us finding a mate was slim-to-none, so we might as well enjoy ourselves before we are violently bludgeoned by a future rival.
While I am socially liberal, I do believe in smaller government. Particularly, I believe in de-funding the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. I don’t know how many times they tried shooting me – wasting much needed bullets that are better used on those good-for-nothing alligators that keep trying to eat me.
I am looking forward to seeing the RNC convention coming up, particularly to see what the Romney-Ryan plan for America is. I like their plan to give back the Bush tax cuts to the alpha human “job creators”, because from my experience, we don’t want to piss off the alphas. I once saw Satchmo rip apart the jaws of a rival male, and I thought to myself “Looks like I’ll be a subordinate!”
Also, I don’t really understand all this hubbub about the Republican “War on Women”. It’s pretty amazing to me that human women can just kill a baby before it even gets born. That’s usually the responsibility of a rival male (and he can only do it after the baby is born). I’d be nervous if women could choose not to birth children – what would stop them from never having children? I’ve never raised a child, as it looks quite onerous, so I wouldn’t blame women for not wanting to do so. However, I don’t blame the Republicans from having a war on women, because women need to understand that they have to make babies, or the troop will die off.
My biggest concern with the Romney-Ryan agenda is that they want to create more jobs. To me, this means more buildings and factories; destruction of my people’s habitat. I haven’t seen my troop in years, and my attempts so far to procreate with USF humans has been completely unsuccessful. I would like to ask Romney-Ryan – “If you destroy the wilderness to build more factories, or drill more oil, then how am I supposed to get offspring?” No matter what the Tea Party says, I can’t just go around trying to rape every animal I see.
I don’t know if Romney and Ryan hold the answers for America, the country that I love. Then again, Barack Obama’s health care plan offers no coverage for monkey attacks (well, attacks on humans by monkeys is covered, but not the other way around), so I’m against Obamacare. To be honest, I feel no matter which party you vote for, it’ll just be for a couple of apes that really aren’t looking out for us monkeys. Then again, apes never have.
Damn dirty apes.
(Raj Sivaraman holds no responsibility for the content of this post, as it was written entirely by an anthropomorphic rhesus macaque.)