My Letter to Republicans

Hey Guys,

Look, it’s been a rough couple of days.  I can sympathize.  I felt the same in 2004, when the Democrats had a out-of-touch, vanilla plutocrat from Massachusetts that I didn’t really care about. All I wanted was to make sure Bush wasn’t given another 4 years to destroy the country.

But the good news is that Kerry’s failure led to a revitalization of the Democratic Party, and – who’d a thunk it? – a black president!  Too soon? Ok, I’m sorry.

Though I’m sure you probably hate her, Rachel Maddow had a nice little piece about how you need to turn your act around for the betterment of the country. And I’m with her. While I don’t agree with your current policies, I’d like to see an alternative to what the Democrats are offering (some of which I don’t agree with).

So, here’s my advice to change your platform and make you potentially electable again:

  1. STOP DOUBTING FACTS.  I cannot emphasize this enough.  You said Nate Silver was wrong, and didn’t offer any evidence to prove his method wrong.  I know that’s really wonkish and doesn’t make for good TV, but at least Nate Silver’s logic is understandable.  He interprets and averages polling quite rigorously and scientifically.  If you’re going to come with an alternate interpretation that is better, PROVE IT.  That’s science.  You believe the most simple, logical explanation of something until someone offers something better.  You can’t just dismiss people because their facts are unpalatable.  This also applies to climate change, evolution, and the female reproductive system.
  2. STOP BEING RUN BY SELF-INTEREST GROUPS. That’s great that you don’t believe in taxes.  Actually, I don’t know of anyone that likes taxes.  You’d win tons of elections with your anti-tax platform. The problem is we need government to do things.  The only way we can pay for the government to do things is TAXES (or selling ourselves to China).  So, don’t sign dumb pledges to rich people where you will never raise taxes, when you know that people need the government to do things like build infrastructure, defend the country, etc.  You can’t say Obama supporters are lazy and want stuff, because EVERYONE wants stuff.  I don’t want to have to spend 30 minutes to go through a phone tree when my house is on fire to reach Fire Department Customer Service, only to discover that I don’t have a “fire prevention” plan.  It’s a much nicer way to realize that every time I pay 6% sales tax, I know that I can call 911 and know someone will be there promptly.  There is a universal expectation that government will provide some services, yet nobody wants to pay for it with taxes.  Democrats acknowledge this, and made the political decision of taxing the rich.  You need to figure out a way to keep taxes without cutting things people want, otherwise you’ll never get elected.
  3. BE CONSERVATIVE.  The traditional conservatives were focused on America and didn’t want to get involved in foreign wars (some might say isolationist).  The alternative to Obama’s drone strikes in Waziristan is not beating your chest and saying “MORE DRONE STRIKES!!!”  The world needs a Republican Party (or any party) that says “Maybe we don’t need to keep bothering other people because we’re paranoid of terrorists?”  Also, since we are on the precipice of an entitlement crisis, a drastic slashing in military spending might just be the solution that makes everyone happy.  We spend about $700 billion on defense spending, but only $60 billion on education.  Why don’t we cut the military budget by $500 billion (still $50 billion more than what China spends), and increase education and research by another $50 billion.  That’s a net $450 billion cut that will not hurt any entitlements, and won’t raise any tax cuts.  The world doesn’t want to be policed by the US, and we should behave accordingly, so a $450 billion cut would reflect this.
  4. LEAD ON EDUCATION.  I know you support charter/private schools, but so do the Democrats. And I think this is where they fail.  Unlike public schools, charter schools can cherry pick what students they have, so any progress seen in these schools is misleading.  How can Republicans offer a bold strategy to improve education? Eliminate all federal subsidies to charter/private schools and give them to public schools proportionally to student enrollment.  Also, don’t close schools because they “perform” poorly on tests. Provide those schools with the resources necessary for success (on a case-by-case basis, determined by principal or superintendent, whichever is most familiar with the school’s issues).  There is no such thing as a “bad” teacher, just like there’s no such thing as a bad student.  They both just need help to get better.  Finally, any student can go to any school they want.  Obama’s support of charter schools is hurting Democratic support from teacher’s unions.  Time for Republicans to tap into this market.  Oh yeah, you also doubled the education budget.  Suck on that Democrats.
  5. STOP RUNNING CANDIDATES WHO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT RAPE.  Most Americans believe abortion should be legal.  Even if you don’t believe it, the alternative is back-alley abortions or babies born in unfavorable situations.  We don’t need more children born behind an 8-ball (of cocaine). If you’re poor, having a baby that you can’t afford is not going to help your situation, nor is the baby going to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.  Being pro-life is like being religious, it’s an idea that’s best kept to yourself.
  6. STOP PREVENTING MINORITIES FROM VOTING.  It just makes you look like a dick. Just let people vote.
  7. ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE PEOPLE TOO.  You’re keen on getting the Latino vote, so stop punishing people for seeking the American dream.  Fine, they didn’t follow the proper channels to come to America, but they’re here now.  They most likely came because of policies we’ve enacted in Latin America to screw over their families, anyway.  The least we could do is give them a chance to make it.  And if they’re troublemakers (e.g. MS13, LA Kings, Justin Bieber) we can kick them out.
  8. GAY PEOPLE DON’T RUIN INSTITUTIONS. They just make them more expensive.  Stop saying homosexuals “shouldn’t do this” or “have these rights”. They’re people.  Even if you think it’s a choice, it’s one that they seem keen to make (among others – voting Democrat).  If you’re so keen on the institution of marriage, why don’t you do some legislating against all those heterosexual people getting divorced?  That seems to be ruining the institution more than two people being committed to each other.  When you’re against gay marriage, you’re against love.  Also, think of all the jobs you’ve created in the wedding industry by letting gays get married.
  9. DON’T BE A SORE LOSER.  I know it sucks to lose, but you don’t need to try and prevent anything from happening in Congress because you’re in the minority.  Compromise on ideals is what makes the country stronger.  I would argue that Obamacare is a product of compromise, as it’s not the true public health care plan I would like America to have, even if you don’t like it either. However, it’s a definite improvement to no health care reform and everyone going to emergency rooms for colds.

Look, I know you’re bummed out about this, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.  You will survive, but you just have to adapt. It’s a thing called evolution.  I know you don’t believe in it, but you should look into it. While you’re at it, check out everything else that you’ve missed while you’ve had your head in the sand about the last 12 years listening to people who will happily mislead you for their own profit.  Best of luck,

Raj Sivaraman


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